How to Find The Whole Inside You and Heal Your Life

Recently I published a book with my mother called “The Whole Inside Us”. My mother became suicidally depressed soon after my sister was born. She started to receive flashbacks from her childhood about her being sexually abused by her father and her brother. For years and years she has put these painful memories deep inside her, which wanted to come out now.

On one of our many trips to South America

My mother’s memories were met by the medical profession with medication, stigma and even electroshock therapy. “Just forget about it, it has been so long ago!” Some doctors suggested. The more medication they put in my mother, the more suicidal she became. It was like trying to put a monster back inside a box, and the more they tried to put it back in, the harder it fought to get out!

After more than 40 unsuccessful suicide attempts she finally met an experienced therapist. Not someone who only has some medical degrees, but someone who has experience with people who were traumatized and suicidal. “You are not crazy or a psycho, you had a trauma and were sexually abused. Let’s work on clearing that.” Katerina was the trauma therapist who saved my mother’s life. She helped my mother to release her pain from her childhood. Rather than trying to push the monster in the box, she opened up the box and let the monster out.

At first, the monster was screaming and fighting. But the more it was allowed to do so by Katerina, the smaller the monster become. My mother yelled and screamed and even threw some books and glasses on the ground. But after months of healing and therapy sessions the monster was small enough that it didn’t do any damage anymore. It went back inside the box by itself. My mother had found the whole inside her, instead of trying to escape the hole with medication and suicide attempts.

As you can see it can take months or even years of processes and consults to find your whole.

What is the whole inside you?

The whole inside you is as it says: It is the whole you: the good, the bad and the ugly. The love you have for yourself and how you care for yourself. It is accepting for what you have been through and to see the blessing in it. Anything in your life that you cannot say thank you for becomes your baggage that you carry with you your whole life.

So should my mother say thank you to her father for raping her as a child?

Whilst the action of rape should not be promoted, it happened in the past. It happened. All you can do now is to clear and heal it. You don’t say thank you for the other person and say: thank you for raping me, please do it more often. No, not at all: you say thank you for yourself, so you can move on with your life. You say thank you for the experience and what came out of it. Unfortunately this is not being taught much and we got a lot of backlash about this.

People like to stay victims, which we both were for many years as well. Caroline Myss describes it well in her book “Why People Don’t Heal”: People want to keep their problems because of the benefits they are getting out of it and therefore they won’t be able to heal. Some people’s identity revolves around their traumatic experience, other people get attention. For others it is completely unconscious and they truly have no idea how to get out of it.

We are often being taught to cover your life up with “happiness”: anti-depressants, food, sugar, drugs, alcohol, sugar, shopping, entertainment and so much more. If you never look at seeing the whole in you, you will spend your life trying to escape the hole and you will never heal.

How do you start to become whole again?

The first step is to cultivate self-awareness around your actions. It may sound easy, but do you really know what you are doing consistently and why you are doing it? My mother wasn’t aware that she was escaping her past, she was simply following doctor’s orders. People told her that she was committing suicide to get attention. Once she met Katerina who showed her that she had mental pain from a childhood trauma that needed healing she could stop committing suicide as a strategy to let out the pain.

Look at your own life: what are some of the actions you consistently take that don’t serve? What pain are you trying to cover up? Anything that you see as too much and too many could be a warning sign, such as:

  • Overeating, so blood goes to your stomach and you relax
  • Drugs to feel numb, forget and have “fun”
  • Alcohol so you can speak freely, go loose and have “fun”
  • (Many) One-Night Stands to get quick attention but without connection. Rejected? Next!
  • Arguing and wanting to be right
  • Overspending to feel good temporarily
  • Overworking so you don’t have to come home too early to fight with your spouse
  • Smoking to focus on your breathing so you relax

Then you need to look at the pain that you are trying to cover up with your destructive action:

  • Is it a pain from your childhood?
  • Is it a disappointment?
  • Is it to get attention?
  • Is it so people like you?
  • Is it to escape your pain?
  • Is it to relax?

If you have done these first two steps, you are already much further than most people!

The third step is to clear the pain that you are trying to cover up. You can try this by yourself, but I highly recommend you getting professional help with someone that suits you: someone who is not afraid to tell you how it is, but who is also non-judgmental and patient to help you. This can take a couple of people to go through. It can be a therapist, counsellor, coach or even a doctor; but look for someone who has experience with your specific actions. EG: Don’t ask an overweight person for health advice!

I saw many different therapists and healers over the years until I met one who I resonated with. She helped me to get to the root cause of my trauma, helped me clear it and release the pain. After a few sessions with her, which I describe in detail in our book, I could truly find the whole inside me.

Good luck, and always remember to focus on cultivating the whole inside you rather than escaping the hole.

Our book is available on Amazon through this link:

The Whole Inside Us



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